Still Tracking

Ok, first of all I am sorry I have just now posted. This week has had some very emotional ups and downs. The only one I am going to let you in on is that my mother and my Weight Watcher's "buddy" decided to go to different meeting. I understand her reasons and I support her but it scares me to not have her there. I can't make it to hers and she can't make it to mine. It's ok though. When we both get home from our respective meetings, we will compare notes and will have twice the stories and support. As turns out, because of other events, I have been relying on some high calorie comfort foods. Still tracking everything, though. And drum roll please, I lost 2 lb. this past week. I have a new goal. I want to lose four weeks in a row. I don't care if it is .1 lb. I want a steady loss. Well, goals have been set and weight loss has been told. So I bid ya'll goodnight.

Hide No More

Still tracking like a pro. No matter how painful and last a night and today were painful. Last night, I went to an unnamed restaurant and ordered something I wouldn't normally have ordered. Turns out, the rice was tasteless. The spinach had been in existence a little too long. The shrimp weren't bad so I did eat them but I left the rest of it alone. So sitting there with all my friends watching them eat their greasy, tasty food. I failed but in a sense I won too. I started to pick at my fiancé's food. I may have had some of those "forbidden" foods but instead of retreating and throwing up my hands saying it doesn't matter. I kept an eye on what went in my mouth and found out the points and wrote it down. This morning I had a similar problem. Due to not being a morning person, I missed my breakfast. I had left a banana on my desk yesterday. So I rushed to work thinking I would make it up at lunch. I didn't know that a sales rep who brings "the girls" food every time he comes was going to be at work today. So I walk in and on my desk sat my biggest nightmare, 2 huge trays of multiple and beautiful pastries and muffins. I almost screamed. I did run from the room to retrieve my first cup of coffee. Unfortunately I couldn't hide from my desk all day. I had Work to do. So I went back with my cup in my hand trembling at the prospect. About an hour later if you looked closely, you would have seen crumbs on my shirt and smelled frosting on my breath. I may have eaten a couple of these delectable deserts BUT I wrote them down. And for lunch I had a bowl of melon, pineapple, and grapes. For dinner, I am going to have a bowl of veggies and some lean protein. Thank goodness for weekly point allowances and that sales reps only come four times a year. No more skipping breakfast. Had I eaten breakfast, I don't think that I would have been so weak. The pastries are sitting across the room this afternoon and I have been better, haven't touched them since this morning. Here's to not hiding from my own actions.

Day 1 - A Little More Inspiration

I am having some trouble with my weight. It started in the third grade after a particularly lazy summer of lounging with grandparents and eating enormous amounts of ice cream. With little else to do but watch tv (until my grandmother's soap), I ate and ate and ate. In one single summer at the young age of nine, I gained ten pounds. A small amount to an adult, who has steadily gained twenty pounds a year since high school and is now a staggering 240. But at that age, every child in school notices and your parents are astounded to see their child so "robust". Now at 24, I look back at my formative years and remember never denying my self one cookie, ice cream novelty, or soda that I ever really wanted. I can't stop eating those types of items. I can't stop eating sugar, fast food, fried foods, or anything my taste buds crave. The back of my tongue is my worst enemy.

This October, after six years, my boyfriend is now my fiancé and the thought of immortalizing myself in photos to be seen by every person I know and will know terrifies me. I started Weight Watchers the week after I found out that beautiful ring under the glass was actually going to be mine. I started out perfectly. I was slave to my little books and lost twenty pounds. I began a hard core cardio work out three times a week and took it serious. Then the weight loss stopped. I couldn't figure out was happening. I was still working out. My diet was my problem! The tedious writing of everything that I popped into my mouth down to a piece of gum was more than I could handle. I had started fudging the numbers. "I think this was this many ounces, right?" Wrong. So very wrong. I went into meetings with irregular Titan sized fear of what those scales would say. Week to week I would lose two pounds and then gain it back all the while denying my truest problem by saying I just don't understand. Underneath the hurt, I knew exactly what was going on and couldn't face the real problem. Not knowing when to stop and say no. I wouldn't write down my foods anymore. I thought with each new week that I would pick up the zeal I'd had in the beginning. I bought new books with recipes and even got the iPad app thinking a new way of writing would help.

Each new thing brought the faint whisper of hope back into my diet. Basically, I was digging my hole of self denial very deep. I would never be able to accomplish this task of losing down to 180 before my big day. I just simply wasn't cut out for this type of diet. I think I might be WRONG again. I started this essay to try and kick start myself awareness instead of continuing this (now cave like) hole of self denial. I thought at the time I could start a blog and be responsible to anyone who reads it. Then I thought who am I kidding that was silly.

I met a remarkable individual tonight. Not only does she have awesome taste in movies, but she lost over 200 lbs with Weight Watchers. She also kept a blog to help keep her responsible. Now my idea seems not so silly but might be exactly what I need. Thank you for being the inspiration I needed, I am grateful to know it can be done. By the way, I wrote everything down today.