I am having some trouble with my weight. It started in the third grade after a particularly lazy summer of lounging with grandparents and eating enormous amounts of ice cream. With little else to do but watch tv (until my grandmother's soap), I ate and ate and ate. In one single summer at the young age of nine, I gained ten pounds. A small amount to an adult, who has steadily gained twenty pounds a year since high school and is now a staggering 240. But at that age, every child in school notices and your parents are astounded to see their child so "robust". Now at 24, I look back at my formative years and remember never denying my self one cookie, ice cream novelty, or soda that I ever really wanted. I can't stop eating those types of items. I can't stop eating sugar, fast food, fried foods, or anything my taste buds crave. The back of my tongue is my worst enemy.
This October, after six years, my boyfriend is now my fiancé and the thought of immortalizing myself in photos to be seen by every person I know and will know terrifies me. I started Weight Watchers the week after I found out that beautiful ring under the glass was actually going to be mine. I started out perfectly. I was slave to my little books and lost twenty pounds. I began a hard core cardio work out three times a week and took it serious. Then the weight loss stopped. I couldn't figure out was happening. I was still working out. My diet was my problem! The tedious writing of everything that I popped into my mouth down to a piece of gum was more than I could handle. I had started fudging the numbers. "I think this was this many ounces, right?" Wrong. So very wrong. I went into meetings with irregular Titan sized fear of what those scales would say. Week to week I would lose two pounds and then gain it back all the while denying my truest problem by saying I just don't understand. Underneath the hurt, I knew exactly what was going on and couldn't face the real problem. Not knowing when to stop and say no. I wouldn't write down my foods anymore. I thought with each new week that I would pick up the zeal I'd had in the beginning. I bought new books with recipes and even got the iPad app thinking a new way of writing would help.
Each new thing brought the faint whisper of hope back into my diet. Basically, I was digging my hole of self denial very deep. I would never be able to accomplish this task of losing down to 180 before my big day. I just simply wasn't cut out for this type of diet. I think I might be WRONG again. I started this essay to try and kick start myself awareness instead of continuing this (now cave like) hole of self denial. I thought at the time I could start a blog and be responsible to anyone who reads it. Then I thought who am I kidding that was silly.
I met a remarkable individual tonight. Not only does she have awesome taste in movies, but she lost over 200 lbs with Weight Watchers. She also kept a blog to help keep her responsible. Now my idea seems not so silly but might be exactly what I need. Thank you for being the inspiration I needed, I am grateful to know it can be done. By the way, I wrote everything down today.
No comments:
Post a Comment